Mar
12
Five Years
Filed Under Daily
Clive and I are coming up on FIVE YEARS of being together. In three days it will be the anniversary of us meeting in Mexico. I can still picture meeting Jon and Clive when they came to pick me up at the airport. I’d packed my bags, including a couple of presents for Ari, enough clothing to last me six months, a desktop computer and monitor (ah, awkward and heavy days before I owned a laptop!), and visions of BME swirling through my head. We hoped into the orange dune buggy and my life was changed forever. We all got really drunk that night.
On March 16 I realized I’d met the man I would someday marry.
On March 17, Jordan, Clive and I went out for drinks at an Irish pub in downtown La Paz to celebrate St Patrick’s Day and when we got home Clive and I kissed for the first time, and the rest is history.
Last night the power suddenly went out at around 11, so Clive and I went to bed early, but not before playing around in the dark, we often have fake fights where I’ll hit him or he’ll hit me, and last night in the pitch dark we were both hitting and kicking the air trying to get one another and not get hurt.
When we climbed into bed I remembered that he probably didn’t turn off the light in the basement and asked him to go and turn it off, with the ulterior motive of scaring him when he came back to bed. So, when he left, I quietly snuck to the other side of the bed withoug him hearing or seeing me. I saw his shadow climb quietly into bed again, heard him feel around for me and whispered out, “Bubba?” (which is what we call each other, ahemmm). “Bubba? Where are you? Bub?” And I was literally biting my lip on the floor, trying not to burst out laughing when I couldn’t control myself anymore and just howled with laughter out of his desperation of trying to figure out where the hell I went.
It was totally one of those “you had to be there” moments along with ” along with “you had to be us” moments in order to find it at all amusing, but the fact of the matter is that Clive and I still laugh and joke around and are in love and even though times have been really, really hard between us, we’ve stuck it out and are happy.
—
I was speaking to a good friend last night (Clive’s sister) about how much has changed in the past five years. Five years and a month ago I was with a man who was physically abusive. I lived in British Columbia and worked at a call center and owned a vintage Vespa moped. I made about the same amount of money and weighed the same as I do now. Four years ago Clive and I were living in the Caribbean and I was hating every moment of it, except for the times we had masks and snorkels on. Three years ago, pregnant and in London. Two and one year ago, in Halifax, a proud mama to the smartest little guy. I wish I could say that I was surprised at how my life’s turned out, but this is exactly how I pictured it.
Jan
9
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty-Eight
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re 28 months old today! Outside of Christmas, it’s been a pretty uneventful month, with us hunkering down and trying to make it through these cold days.
This month we made our very first snowman together, which you named “Frosty,” of course. You got a kick out of him, especially watching him melt in the warmer days following the snowstorm.
Christmas this year was fun and I spoiled you. Lots of cars and trucks, some knitted play food (a sandwich, a cookie, a strawberry- inspired by the fact that you’d bring me car tires piled high and tell me that it was a sandwich), a puzzle and your biggest present was a wooden parking garage. You were very excited to see it, and you’ve hooked it up to your train tracks and play with it as often as you can.
After our own little Christmas here at our house we went to my mother’s house, your Nana’s, with the rest of the family. Ambera and Oliver, Jarrod and Ellie (who are expecting their first baby this spring), and Nana and Dee. We opened more presents and ate dinner and played with toys.
This was the first Christmas I’ve been really excited for in years and years, and I know it’s just going to keep getting better. I love seeing the world from your eyes.
I had a week-long vacation between Christmas and New Years, so you and I got to spend a lot of quality time together. It was lovely. One of those days was really warm, so we packed everyone up and went to Peggy’s Cove. You really loved the lighthouse and waves (this was your second or third time there), and your dad was helping you “jump” over all the big rocks. You laughed the whole time.
This month you started the “watch me, mama!” phase as you do something random and make me watch you intently. I remember it well from my own childhood, but definitely not this early. I used to make my mom rate my dives into the water from 1-10 and cartwheels and whatever else. You don’t need anything like that (yet), but you enjoy my attention. You tend to be much more self-sufficient while you’re alone with your dad- he can leave you alone in your room while you play with cars and he surfs the internet or naps on the couch. When you’re with me, it’s all me, all the time. If I try to check my email, you drive your cars on my keyboard or directly in front of me, if not ON me.
You know a zillion songs. School taught you all a ton of carols, and you love Wheels on the Bus, Five Little Ducks, Do You Know the Muffin Man, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, the list goes on. Every single common song out there that’s meant for kids your age, you know it off by heart. You’ve also started singing, not just reciting.
In our basement is where you and your dad hang out in the mornings, and there’s a tricycle, wagon, bicycle with training wheels, your ride-on lawnmower that you got for Christmas from Nana and Dee and your beloved plasma car you got for your birthday. You’ve mastered it, and like pushing it with your feet more than how it was designed to work, and you’ve gotten fantastic at what you and your dad call the “power slide.” Your dad now makes you wear your helmet, which was this crazy ugly plastic and Styrofoam thing, until your dad spray painted it black and stenciled your name on it.
You also like to pretend to have fallen off your plasma car. Your father is very obviously concerned bout your well being.
We had a big snowstorm this month, and you really liked “helping” shovel, and so your dad bought you your very own little shovel, but here you are with a big one when you and I went out together.
One of my favorite things about you getting older is your ability to express yourself so that I get to learn more and more about who you are and how you feel. Your emotions are out there for everyone to see, right on the surface, ready to boil over, regardless of whether it’s tears or laughter.
My very favorite part of the day is when you come home from school in your father’s arms, and he sets you down on the kitchen floor, where I’m waiting, kneeling down with my arms outstretched, and you run into them with a huge smile and collapse into me with the weight of your entire body and a huge smile on your face, and I cover you with as many kisses as you’ll let me give you. I had no idea how much that moment meant to you as well until one day when I was on the telephone when you came home, and we missed our reuniting hug and then you wouldn’t speak to me or look at me for far too long. I promise to never miss another hug the instant you walk into the house after a long day of being away from me. You need it as much as I do.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Dec
13
Dear Ash,
Okay, I missed last month. I’m sorry! I got so busy with my business (Pip Robins, just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about by the time you read this, or maybe I’ll be a multi-millionaire from cowl sales!) that working took precedence over writing your newsletter on time, and then when I went to write it I realized that ALL of my November 2009 photographs were somehow gone from the memory card on our main camera. And then I lost all my inspiration to write. I’m sorry.
Well, let’s see. I’ve got two months to cover here, so let’s get started.
You’re smart. Man, you are SMART. Your vocabulary in the past couple of months has grown from hundreds of words to thousands of words. You pick up on EVERYTHING we say and do. You can remember songs after hearing them only once or twice, you mimic our actions- see here in the picture below- you got ahold of my mascara and before I even realized what you were doing, you had APPLIED IT PROPERLY, TO YOUR EYELASHES. Granted, you got a little messy, but do you see that? Without me even realizing just how closely you must watch me while I do my makeup in the morning, you took the wand and applied mascara to your eyelashes. How could I even get mad at that? Genius, my son, genius.
It seems a little out of date now that it’s the 9th of December, but I have to talk about it: Hallowe’en. This month you celebrated your third-ever Hallowe’en and we dressed you as a lizard in a costume I got for $5 from the Salvation Army. Your father and I dressed as doctors, complete with masks that I made that very morning, as a shout out to the Swine Flu mass hysteria that’s happening around the world. You and your day care friends were even able to dress up during the day, and at night we and two other families went out trick or treating, which you loved.
So. WHY. Why? Why? Why? Why? You started saying “why” by the time I was finished writing your last newsletter two months ago, and now it is your answer for everything. It’s as if it’s a knee-jerk reaction, everything we say is followed with a “why” and then another “why” and then another and another and another. We will answer you until we don’t know the answer anymore because it’s how you’re going to learn things, right? Sure, it’s a tad annoying sometimes, but it’s cute and you’re learning, so how could I complain. I wouldn’t mind if you toned it down, maybe just a little.
These past couple of months you’ve becoming increasingly into reading books. You’d rather sit on our laps and read books than do anything else, maybe even including watching YouTube videos of Franklin the Turtle. You and I have started going to the library at least once a week on one of our days off together, and while you play with the toys I seek out new books for us to read. You are able to memorize them within a couple of times of reading them, and love it when we stop midway through a sentence so you can finish it for us. Right now your favorite book is The Jungle Book and Bambi, but a couple of months ago all you wanted to read was Franklin the Turtle. We’ve read every single one of them that the library offers about a hundred times each.
You still love cars of course. And you love to line them up on the table, like this:
When it was still nice outside, you and your dad would often go for walks/rides outside. Now we’re confined to the basement, and your father got you a HUGE bike (it would probably fit a four year old better) for a good price second hand, and he put some training wheels on it. You can JUST reach the pedals, and you ride around as fast as you can down there. It’s such a big bike that you could easily fall off and hurt yourself, so we make you wear your helmet. You don’t mind.
In mid-October we took a family trip to the same zoo we went to last year, Oaklawn Zoo, where they have all kinds of animals- everything from Zonkeys to Camels to deer to pigs. Your favorite animal? The concrete cow. We could hardly get you away from it, even though MY favorite animal exhibit was just right around the corner (the family of monkeys with the nursing baby!)
In early November it snowed, and that was exciting for you. It didn’t last long and the snow didn’t come back for another month, but it actually made me a little excited to be able to go outside with you and play as you get older.
At school you get to do a lot of artwork, drawing and painting. At home we have the supplies but are often busy with other things. You did ruin our kitchen table in one swift move while I turned my back for 1.23432 seconds, you grabbed my pen and with all of your 28lb force, managed to carve a nice L shaped line in blue into the tabletop. This is exactly why I bought a table and chair set that cost $114. I expect these things of you. You like to take your markers and draw on your face, and call yourself a kitty. I believe you think you’re drawing whiskers.
One morning this week you built a huge tower of blocks all on your own. Not one iota of help from me. You were so pleased with yourself!
To follow up to the last newsletter, where I said that you were fully potty trained: I have put away every single one of your diapers and you have still (knock on wood) not had an accident at night. And recently you’ve even started going to the potty by yourself, at school and at home, and have finally figured out how to pull up and down your pants over that plump little bottom of yours (which you get from your dad, definitely not from me), which is even MORE wonderful! (However, you did come home in a completely new outfit from school the other day when you went by yourself and forgot the “tucking” step of going to the potty and soaked your pants AND your shirt. There’s obviously a learning curve!)
You’re pretty incredible, I have to say. You love to sing lots and lots of songs, Christmas carols and kids songs like Itsy Bitsy, you know your alphabet inside and out, you know every single one of the letters and what sound they make. And even more exciting- you started COUNTING things this month. You have been able to count for many months, but you never knew when to stop, or what counting actually meant. But a couple of weeks ago I was taking apart a Clementine for you, and you counted every piece (13 of them) as I laid them down on the plate, without missing a beat. It was if something finally clicked, and now you’re successfully counting things all the time.
You can do your age 3+ puzzle basically on your own- your attention span lasts one or two vehicles (it’s a large floor puzzle with an ice cream truck, fire truck, ambulance etc) at a time, but if you could focus for long enough, you could do the whole thing on your own. You are understanding how puzzles work more and more- lining up the pictures, not just jamming things in all willy nilly.
The point is, is that when people ask you how you are, I always say, “Oh, ya know, smart.” You never cease to amaze us. Every single day you just get smarter and smarter and smarter and I feel like such a lucky person to be raising a child who is this easy. Sure, you don’t sleep through the night, sure, you have temper tantrums, sure, you get into things that you’re not supposed to, but overall, if we pay the attention to you that you need and deserve, you’re amazing.
You make me feel so lucky to be your mom. I cannot imagine my life without you in it, I cannot remember what it was like not to have this much love in my heart. You are my everything. I miss you whenever I’m away from you, my heart aches when I’m at work and I feel jealous that your teachers get to see you so much, especially when I know they don’t think you’re as special as I do. Sometimes I get so angry at myself for going back to work and missing so much of this time in your life because you’re learning and growing at such an incredible rate. I just hope that you’re happy. Please be happy.
I love you so entirely.
Love,
Mama
Oct
9
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty-Five
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re 25 months old today! This has been a wonderful month, and I can’t wait to tell you about it.
The month started with a bang, or rather- a pop, because you we had a birthday party here with all of your friends! There was food and helium balloons (hence the “pop”) and toys and presents, even though we requested that there were none. Your favorite present was given to you by your friend Frances, a book called Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel. I think, between your father and I, you have been read this book about 50 times this month, with no signs of letting up or getting bored. You AB-SOL-ULTELY love it. Granted, it’s a nice book, but I would be happy to never have to read it again. Reading any book that many times gets a little boring! Actually, a few days ago we went to the library to get some new books to read, and what did you find, but another copy of Mike Mulligan and wouldn’t leave without it.
Mike Mulligan has brought out a whole bookworm side to you that has never really been there at this capacity before. I have always, always read to you- even when you were an infant. Here you are at about 2.5 months old with one of your first books (and the rooster crowing in the background is another book):
Anyway, we’ve always had a good collection of books, and when I was home with you we read every day, and now your father or I read to you every day, but you’ve reached a whole new level of wanting to read. You’d rather read than do ANYTHING else, including play on your tricycle or plasma car, play with your cars or dump truck, eat, whatever. You got some money for your birthday, and it went to second-hand books too. Our new favorite activity is going to the library and seeking out new favorites. I’ve actually been able to put away your “baby” books because you can sit and listen to the same story for 20 minutes, as long as it’s good. Your favorite books that I bought second hand are anything Franklin the Turtle. I think I found half a dozen of them, and you like them all. They’re your favorite potty books.
Speaking of pottys: THE CLOUDS HAVE PARTED, ANGELS ARE SINGING, ALL OF MY HARD WORK ECing WASN’T FOR NOTHING, YOU ARE POTTY TRAINED!!!
At two years and two weeks, I officially (via Facebook and Twitter) declared you potty trained, after sending you to school without a diaper on and you had no accidents. It took you a couple of days to get fully used to it, but it’s been two weeks now since any accidents, and even at night time and during naps you’re staying dry (the odd time asking in the middle of the night to go pee) and I am SO happy that you’re potty trained during the day, but this night time stuff is blowing my mind. You used to need a three-layer hemp insert to last you through all your pees at night, and even now- with the same amount of nursing, you’re able to hold it for a lot longer.
[For those of you who are interested, potty training worked like this for us:
1. All summer was diaper-free time whenever we were home. It only took about four days of a few accidents (pee) on the floor before he clued in that he should pee on the potty.
2. Lots of reminding him not to pee on the floor, the chair, in his pants. He still says to himself, “no peeing on the floor!” “No peeing on the table!” “No peeing on the cat!” (the last two are his own creations, haha.)
3. At first, we’d stop reminding him not to pee when he was wearing a diaper, but eventually we started asking him not to pee in his diaper. It didn’t really work- something happens in his brain that says that when he’s wearing a diaper, it’s okay to pee.
4. I bought a pair of cloth training pants (Mother-Ease if anyone is wondering) and told him that they were his big boy underwear and that he wasn’t supposed to pee in them. They didn’t work for us. They triggered his brain just like a diaper did and he’d pee in them.
5. We bought real “Big Boy” underwear and he started wearing them at home. Accidents still sometimes happened, and he needed to pee every 20-30 minutes for at least a month. It was annoying, but he didn’t have the muscle strength to go much longer and I knew it wouldn’t be forever.
6. If we asked if he needed to pee, he’d ALWAYS say no, but we’d put him on the potty anyway, and most times it resulted in him peeing.
7. I always paid attention to his cues- was he grabbing his penis? GET HIM ON THE POTTY. Was he holding his butt? GET HIM ON THE POTTY. Did I have a feeling? GET HIM ON THE POTTY. I ignored nothing.
8. After a while of having great success with big boy underwear at home, I took him shopping without a diaper on. I reminded him that he wasn’t wearing a diaper and that if he needed to pee, to tell me. And we spent all afternoon out, with using a public pool’s toilet and a toilet at the mall!
9. The last step was having him go to school with just a few changes of clothes and no diapers, and telling the teachers how often he needed to be asked. After the first day with lots of accidents, his teacher set her watch to beep every 30 minutes, and she took him to the potty. And then, things slowly started changing. He was able to hold it longer. He started going up to his teachers and asking to pee or poop. And now, we have no accidents, and lots of communicating back and forth about whether or not he needs the potty.
10. BOOKS were key to get him to sit on the potty long enough that he could poop. Sometimes we read to him, sometimes he’s okay to sit by himself and look at the pictures, or try to retell the story to himself.
11. I didn’t over-praise him, I have a “pooping on the potty, havin’ a potty party!” song, and I do tell him that he did a good job telling me that he needed to go, but other than that, we try not to make a huge deal about it. We didn’t do stickers or rewards. We really avoided calling his poop “gross” or “stinky” because I didn’t want him to feel any amount of shame or embarrassment. We followed his cues and it took several months, but it was hardly painful at all.
Patience and routine worked best for us.]
Can I just take a moment and brag about how smart you are? You’ve known your alphabet for months now, but you find entertainment in saying it really, really fast. The whole way through, no missed letters, nothing. Your father introduced you to a Leapfrog video (on his sister’s recommendation) called “The Letter Factory” and after watching it THREE times, you memorized each sound that every SINGLE letter makes. It also helped you remember what every letter looks like- you knew a lot of them, but not all of them, and now there’s no question that you know ALL of them. You’ll be reading in no time!
The weather’s cooling off now and so we’re not able to do so many things outside, but we did get to take a family trip to a wildlife park this month. Your favorites were the raccoons and skunks, but we got to see a moose up really close for a long time, and that was wonderful- and was the animal that I was most excited about seeing. It was somewhere that my mom and grandmother brought me when I was a little girl, and although I only have small fractions of memories from it, it’s a nice thought that I’m able to bring my own son there too.
For the most part, you’re a really well behaved child. You usually do what I ask, even if it takes a few times of me asking in different ways, but because you’re basically on a sugar-free diet, you’re not climbing the walls or hyperactive, which makes life with you very pleasant. One day, however, while I was on the phone with my boss, you got very quiet. I found you in the bathroom with the entire roll of toilet paper unraveled in the toilet. I knew that day was coming, and I had an inkling that morning that if it was going to be ANY day, it was going to be THAT day because you’d shown an interest in putting toilet paper in the toilet between your legs just a few hours prior. As I was taking pictures, you decided that it was a great time to flush, so I had to reach in, without a second though, and grab a huge handful of that soggy, disgusting toilet paper so that the flush wouldn’t clog the toilet. Yuck. Then, because I didn’t have anywhere to put it (no garbage with a leak-proof bag), I just put it in the bathtub (!). I guess your dad finally did away with it, because I never saw nor heard of it again. Your dad is a good man.
Nights are the same as they always are, but this month has been great for you sleeping all evening without waking. One evening, your father and I found you here, off your bed and in the closet where you’d landed on some of my underwear and your father’s swimming trunks. We laughed our heads off.
And even though this is a very intimate part of our life, I wanted to record it because I don’t know how much longer it will last, or if I’ll be able to remember just what you sound like in the middle of the night. For the past couple of months you’ve been quite verbal at night, asking and whining for milk and cuddles- whereas before I’d just sense that you were stirring and give you the boob, but now you immediately vocalize your needs. When I’m asked when you’re going to get your own room or when I’m going to stop nursing, I tell people that it’s up to you. This is my proof that you’re nowhere near ready yet.
Your best friend is still Sam. You guys just adore each other. I love seeing how excited you both get when you spot one another. Sam’s first instinct is to run towards you, and your first instinct is to run AWAY, almost as if you can’t stand the sight of him because you’re so excited.
You and I have been alone for a few days, your dad is in NJ on business, and I thought I’d be really worn out and be annoyed at being the only parent, but you know what? I’ve surrendered to this responsibility, and I feel like you and I have laughed together more usual. I ENJOY having you all to myself. I ENJOY getting up in the mornings with you. I ENJOY every single second with you, having our meals together- just you and I. Sure, we both miss your dad, and drop offs at day care are extremely hard for both of us, but I really feel lucky to have all of this time together. You’ve skipped naps two days in a row at daycare which means you’re ready to sleep much earlier than you usually are, and I actually find myself sad that you have to go to sleep so soon, because I just want to see more of you.
Ash, your smile makes me feel so good. So good about being a parent. So good about my relationship with your dad. So good about the world. I look at this smile, this smile that was brought on by a stupid Christmas fridge magnet, and it reminds me that there is hidden happiness is everything, and sometimes it takes an innocent two year old to see it. I feel so lucky that I have you to open my eyes.
I even love your fake smile.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Sep
9
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty-Four
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re 24 months old today! You’re “two yea-ol” as you say. I can’t believe you’re two already. You’re getting to be such a big little kid.
This month has been full of changes. It went from summer to fall, we moved houses and you’re potty trained!
August was fun, and there was lots of outside time as we soaked up the last bits of summer. There were trips to the beach and playground and we had a wonderful time playing together. I’m going to miss the summer months now that we’re heading into autumn and then winter- summer is so much more fun now that you’re old enough to do things and we, as adults, have a great excuse to take the day off and spend it outside.
On August 20 we moved- hopefully for the last time for the next couple of years- into a huge old house. You sensed the upcoming change and had a hard time going to sleep at night, and there were many nights where you’d fight it until 11 or 12. It was hard on both of us- I had so much packing to do and you need those precious hours of sleep, but luckily you’re pretty well behaved at night when you know you’re not supposed to be awake. It’s about the only time recently when you’re awesome at solo play. You used to be fantastic at playing by yourself, but since you started daycare and we don’t get to see you very much, when you’re home you tend to need a lot of attention.
The transition into our new house went well. It’s much bigger than our old house so you would get lost for about the first week, and turn around in circles and say, “where’d the basement go?” or “where’d the bedroom go?” You have your own room now, a place that’s mainly somewhere to store your toys, and you’re still sleeping with us. We kept you in our bed for the first few days, trying to make the transition smoother so you wouldn’t get scared or confused about where you were, but now you sleep most of the night on your little mattress beside our king size bed. You sleep SO MUCH BETTER there, it’s amazing. We went from waking up every 1.5 hours a night to waking up once at 3am and 6am for a quick nurse and then back to sleep. You even slept through the night THREE more times since last month, bringing up your grand total to four times in your entire life. I’m in no rush to move you out of our bed, I love-love-love snuggling you if you do come up into the big bed, and I love knowing you’re there, safe and sound, a couple of feet away from me. And you like it too. Remember last month when you were able to fall asleep without me being in the room? Yeah, you don’t do that anymore. I’m hoping this is part of the transition into the new house and that you’re going to be able to do it again (SOON, please) .
You’ve um, started acting two… and then this happened. I’m not going to say anything more, for fear that acknowledging it will make it happen more often:
All summer we’ve had you go diaper-free while you’ve been at home, trying to fully potty train you, and I must say that it’s been working. Skipping training pants (we do have one pair of cloth training pants that you just end up using as a diaper) and moving slowly into big boy undies was our ticket to success, and now you’re even going to day care without a diaper on. You still wear one for naps and overnight, but the end is near, and it feels great. Because we’ve been putting you on the potty since you were three months old I feel done with it and just want it to be over. Never do I regret ECing with you, the less poopy diapers I have to clean the better, in my opinion, but it’s about time.
Your speech is getting more and more advanced, and now you speak in full sentences, using the words “I” and “and” and things like that. What used to be, “no school!” is now, “I don’t wanna go to school.” What used to be, “poop in da potty” is now, “I need to poop in the potty, no pooping on the floor, no pooping on the mat.” It’s pretty awesome to watch it happening, changing every day. You know your full alphabet, you’re starting to recognize the letters when seeing them in print, you can count to thirty with a little help and it’s amazing. Your teachers are impressed that you know all your animals (you’ve been able to tell the difference between a rhino and a hippo for months now) and their sounds, all the cars and their logos and you can sometimes even tell what kind of car it is just by the curves it has! You and I were out for a walk this month and you said, “a Porsche!” about a car that you’d never seen before, and lo and behold, as I read the back of the car (because I sure as hell don’t know about these things), it said Porsche.
One thing we realized this month is that you’re quickly growing out of your current book collection. You’ve started being able to sit for twenty minutes reading real books, not just baby board books with simple pictures and a simple storyline (if any at all). So soon we hope to stock up on a lot more advanced books for you.
This month I’ve tried to put everything else aside on our days together. One day specifically you and I had a wonderful day, full of handmade playdough and examining bugs and a trip to the playground. I feel so lucky to be your mom, but it’s easy to get caught up in errands and responsibilities and work on my days off, and you’re the one who suffers most. At the end of the day, after putting you to bed, I will still look at pictures of you, or videos of you, and miss you even though I just saw you ten seconds ago. It’s not enough, and sometimes I feel like I’ve got my life sorted and it’s balanced between being home with you and giving you a nice social life at school, but this month was hard and you started disliking school and clinging to us. I hope we figure something out soon because your happiness is my number one concern.
I have to say that this month has been amazing, mostly because of how well you’re able to communicate the things you want and how you’re feeling. Listening to you speak and realizing how much you actually HEAR and PROCESS is absolutely amazing. Sometimes if you hear a new word, you repeat it and it’s as if it goes into a vault and it’ll come out again- being used properly- without any more effort on your part. It’s so fascinating. All of the other perks of this month- the good sleeps, the lack of diapers etc have all been great, but being able to talk to you more than I ever have in your life trumps them all.
I love you so much, little man.
Love,
Mama
Aug
11
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty Three
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re 23-months old today and officially a “big boy,” or so you say. If anyone dares call you a “little boy” or a “baby” you will quickly correct us, that NO, you are a BIG BOY. Okay, okay, Big Boy, I apologize!
This month has been fun! We’ve spent a LOT of time outside, weekends as a family at the beach, Saturdays at the playground and/or lake with your dad, riding your tricycle around the neighbourhood, playing in the backyard while we barbque, you name it, we’ve really been enjoying the outdoors as summer has finally hit. You love the beach, going up to your waist in the water and playing with the sand. You’re not a fan of actually swimming, even though we’ve exposed you to lots of pools in your life, but it’ll come. Your dad and I are both water babies, so it’ll come. I’m not pressuring you.
You’re completely potty trained now, at home, as long as you don’t have a diaper (or any other bottoms) on. This is huge! You will go to the potty by yourself if you feel the need to- you’ll just tell me, “no peeing on the floor” or “need to poop” or sometimes I’ll hear you from the other room that “Ash is peeing on the green potty!” and I won’t need to help you or anything, you’ll just come back to me and say, “all done” or “peed on the potty!” If you’re bottomless, there’s never, ever an accident. It’s fantastic and I’m so proud of you. You’ve even started really asking for the potty at school, rather than just going in your diaper, and your teachers are also proud of you (and thrilled, I imagine, that they don’t have as many poopy diapers to clean up).
You started to love to “sing” this month, even if there’s no tune to go along with your songs- you like to sing Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and your ABCs especially. You’re great with remembering most of the words, in order, and the same goes with the alphabet. Sometimes you get mixed up and even stick some numbers and random sounds in there, but often times you get it almost 100% correct!
Something fantastic happened this month that really was straight out of left field and completely caught me off guard: you started being able to fall asleep without me being there. One night, after nursing you as usual, you didn’t fall asleep and I didn’t want to lay in the dark with you for any longer, so I told you I was going to leave and that it was time to go to sleep and I’d see you soon. I kissed you on the forehead and left the room. And you didn’t complain. Not a peep. And a few minutes later I went in and there you were, asleep.
So we tried it the next night. I nursed you like usual, said goodnight and then got up to leave. You asked for another cuddle, but I said it was time to go to sleep and then I left the room. No complaining again, and you fell asleep on your own! We’ve done it this way most nights (Friday and Saturday nights are the hardest, after a week of not seeing me as much as you’d like, you’re pretty clingy and want lots and lots and lots of cuddles) for the past two weeks, and it’s fantastic. Not only is it great to see you break the habit of needing a boob in your mouth to go to sleep (giving me hope for whenever you want to stop nursing), but it’s nice to see you be a bit more independent at nighttime and it allows me a bit more time alone in the evenings too.
That’s not all, on the sleep front… there was one day, mid-way through this month, that you only had a 30-minute nap and asked to go to bed (“milk, in bed”) early- around 6:30pm, and much to my surprise, you SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT. I came to bed at 11ish, and nursed you in your sleep (seeing as I’m addicted to that hormonal rush that nursing gives me, otherwise I can’t fall asleep), and I woke up with a jolt at 5am, made sure you were still breathing and then I fell back to sleep. I woke up at 7:11, with you half on your mattress and half on ours, and you were STILL SLEEPING. I had to wake you up! It hasn’t happened since, but by god, it was amazing.
You’ve been nursing less at night recently, only once at 11 (that’s my choosing), and usually only once around 4:30 or 5am. You actually had me in a bit of a panic there for about a week, thinking you were losing interest- you don’t nurse during the day and because you don’t need me to fall asleep anymore and cut down dramatically on your nursing at night, I thought you might be done nursing all together soon… but then you changed it up again and are as interested as ever. My goal is two years, as it always has been, and as long as we make it to your second birthday, I’ll be happy.
Your sentences are becoming more complete, you started speaking in the first person instead of the third and you talk ALL THE TIME. ALLLLLLLLLL THEEEEEEEEEE TIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEE. It makes me realize how much you actually see, how much you can remember, how much of a complete and utter SPONGE your brain is. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch. I love seeing you learn. I love being surprised that you remembered a word we taught you weeks ago and haven’t used since- having it pop up in normal conversation, as if we’ve been practicing it- it’s amazing.
We bought you a tricycle a couple of months ago, and you’ve finally gotten enough strength in your legs to ride it. When you first got it, you’d push it with your feet on the ground, but now you can ride like you’re supposed to. You go around the house every day, you ride it to the playground and to visit me at work. You’re growing up! Soon it will be time for a real bicycle with training wheels.
Ash at Nana’s from Gillian Hyde on Vimeo.
This may be later than some kids, but this month your imagination has started to explode. Though you’ve played with cars on the couch and trains on their tracks, you’ve never really acted out and verbalized imaginative things until this month. I’m sure that when you drive your cars on the couch that you’re enacting some kind of story in your mind, but we don’t hear car noises or anything coming from you… but this month when we’ve been reading the same books we’ve read for your entire life, you’ve suddenly started “eating” the food in the Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar, or “throwing” the balls in the pictures, or “flying” the airplanes that you see. I can’t wait to see this part of you flourish, as I’m sure it will.
This has been a fantastic month. We’ve had a lot of fun together, sometimes just you and I, sometimes just you and your dad, and sometimes the three of us as a family.
I know I say this every month, but I can’t help it: You’re one incredibly special person, one who makes my eyes water just at the thought of how much I love you. I love writing these monthly newsletters because it makes me realize how far you’ve come in such a short period of time. I’m glad I’ve documented it all, mostly because it makes me realize how quickly you change and it really makes me appreciate you who are NOW, since I know by next week you’ll be a slightly different version than you were today. You’re so smart and so special and I feel so lucky to be your mom. Thank you for showing me what real love feels like.
Love,
Mama
Jul
9
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty-Two
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
This month has started and ended with questions. Questions, questions, questions. What is that? Who is that? What’s that doing? Man doing? Baby doing? Worm doing? Ant doing? Trains doing? What is that? What is that? What is that? What daAat?
I answer every question as best I can, and just wait for the month when the question “Why?” comes into play. Oh dear. I wonder how long you’ve wanted to ask these things but didn’t have the verbal skills. I’m happy your dad and I have focused on speaking to you like a real person since you were a young baby, your verbal skills are impressive at this age. I expected this kind of behavior to come after two, not before. Not that I’m complaining- I think it’s pretty cute.
This month has really been nothing but rain- I’m serious when I say there was three straight weeks of rain, so we didn’t get to do very much on our days together. One day we went to the Halifax Harbour to see Theodore Tugboat “dedore tugboa!” as a family and that was nice.
I’m not sure if it’s you missing us or what it was, but you seriously kicked our butts this month with a little over a week of a major sleep regression, wherein you didn’t want to sleep before 10pm. Even with an hour or more of nursing or cuddling… I would lay in bed with you, doing both, for sometimes close to TWO hours, and when I thought you were asleep, you’d look over at me with a *blink, blink* and say, “hi!” and I’d realize that GODDAMNIT, all of that time for nothing. The only good thing about your sleep regression is that you didn’t necessarily need attention from us, so you’d be happy playing on the floor with your trains so that we could get work done.
One proud physical accomplishment you achieved this month (there haven’t been that many big ones since you started walking at a year) is that you learned how to jump- both feet off the air and everything. You hop around quite a lot now, it’s pretty cute if I do say so myself.
More than just the questions you’ve been asking, your sentences are filling in with words like “and” and “a” and “the” and becoming more complete. You’re learning how to count to twenty (you’re solid at ten, we’ve just started adding more numbers in recently), you know a lot of your ABCs and can recognize most of the letters of the alphabet. I kind of wish day care would take more initiative to have you learn these things, since you’re home with us not as often as I’d like you to be, but they’re happy with having you play outside and in the sandbox or with playdoh.
We’ve been focusing more on potty training, both at home and at school. You go primarily diaper free at home now, and have very few accidents. You will often ask to go on the “green potty!” if you need to pee, or I’ll hear you say, “no pee on the floor” and I know that you need to go, but your voice of reason has kicked in loud and clear and you’re verbalizing it. You’re still pooping in your diaper more often than not (a behavior that still surprises me, since it seems like it should be so counter-intuitive since you’ve been pooping on a potty since you were five months old). It’s really hard for me accept that you’re doing it, even though it’s been three months since you started school and therefore started pooping in your diaper. I’m not disappointed in you at all- more disappointed in myself that I forced you to be in this situation away from me where you don’t have the attention you need and deserve and therefore have no other alternative. I need to get over this!
This month you’ve started pretending. I’m not sure if it’s a learned behaviour – from school – or if it’s a developmental thing, but now when you see food in a book (like in The Very Hungry Caterpillar), you’ll pretend to be picking up the food and take nibbles. All I know is that it’s adorable.
You love cars. You know more car names than I can count. You spend hours and hours and hours driving your dinky cars on the couch, completely satisfied. I, myself, don’t get it though your father says he does- that when he was a kid he used to make up stories and statistics about each car, so I can only assume you’re doing a variation of that, and as your verbal skills improve, we’ll hear more and more of what is actually going on inside your head. You’re always fascinating to watch, I just can’t wait to hear more about what you think about.
I love this stage of non-stop talking. I love answering your questions and hearing you say, “ooOOoohh” afterwards, satisfied with my answer, whether or not you understand it fully or not. I love to see your personality developing and you becoming more and more like a little boy. There’s not much baby left in you, that’s for sure.
I love you more and more every single day. I miss you like crazy when I’m at work. It may sound strange when I admit this, but I often feel like I can’t ask questions about how your day was at school because I’m afraid that I’ll be too sad that I missed it, or I’ll hear that you fell and got hurt and that I wasn’t there to cuddle you (I know it happens- you have lots of bruises on your legs), or worse- that you cried for a long time- for whatever reason- and that you wanted me and I couldn’t be there. Most of your days are a mystery to me, and I know I’ll never get this time back, but it also means that I appreciate our moments together more, especially our nights, when you plead me to “cuddle, cuddle.”
I love you, Ash.
Love,
Mama.
Jun
9
Dear Ashden: Month Twenty-One
Filed Under Daily
Dear Ash,
You’re 21 months old today and I love you and YOU LOVE ME. Do you know how I know that? It’s because you told me so! Music to my ears, kiddo, it was pretty much the best thing I’ve heard since your first giggle. You were riding on your tricycle around the house and you stopped in front of the kitchen door and said, “love you!” Oh my. It was magic.
Let’s get the yucky stuff out of the way, shall we? You started day care this month, a brand new day care that only has a few children and therefore quite a lot of attention from your teacher, Christina. First, I’ll say that you really seem to like it there. Now, I know I’m not there all day long with you, but you’re never sad when I leave you (outside of the one morning when I sat and nursed you causing you to be a little more clingy than usual), and when I ask you if you want to go to school you say an enthusiastic “yes!” Christina is nice and gentle and you guys do things like play with trucks and cars, go outside for walks in the stroller, paint and have circle time and do crafts.
Saying that, I miss you incredibly and have been having a hard time not seeing you. You’re still so young, and even though people have been encouraging me and telling me it’s okay for both of us to be apart for so many days of the week, I really feel as though I’m going against all of my instincts to have you there as often as you are. This is especially hard for me because I have parented you so fully on instinct- more than any advice I’ve been given or books I’ve read- it’s all been sensing what you need and giving it to you in the best of my ability. Having you in an atmosphere of a day care this much screams to me that I’m making the wrong decision- that this is not how it’s meant to be, regardless of your apparent happiness at being there and playing with friends. I’m your parent, I’m the most important person in your life, and we need to spend as much time together as possible while you’re still this young. I’ll worry about you spending more time away from me when you’re 10, 20, 30, but right now you’re not even two years old.
Here is our family on your first day of day care:
And here’s you, with your bag full of extra clothes and diapers:
After this month at day care, and doing our budget, I spoke with your father and my boss at work and we came to an agreement that I can stay home an extra day with you (Wednesdays), and that makes me feel so much better. It literally feels like 100lbs has been lifted off of me. So your weeks look like this:
Sunday: Family day with mom and dad
Monday: Mom and Ash day
Tuesday: Day care
Wednesday: Mom and Ash day
Thursday: Day care
Friday: Day care
Saturday: Dad and Ash day
I hope it’s a good balance for everyone. I especially love the fact that you get to spend a full day with your dad, because up until this point it’s pretty much only been an hour or two each morning and dinnertime with him. He started working a second job when you were just three months old, so you haven’t been able to spend a great amount of quality time with him. He’s been taking you fishing every day, where you get to play with a rod and reel and once you get bored with that, you like throwing rocks into the water.
Your dad picks you up from day care at 6pm and when you come into the house you run to greet me, and your first words are always, “milk? Milk?” which is nice for both of us- we get to cuddle and I ask you questions and you always nod and say a very muffled “mmmhmm.” I love that you want that intimate time between us as soon as you see me. We’re reconnecting after many hours of being apart.
I watch you whenever I have a spare moment at work, as your day care has a webcam into your room, and I can see you sleeping on the cot or eating your snacks.
Speaking of sleeping. Ash, there’s not a lot that I feel guilty about as far as being a mother- I don’t feel that I’ve made many mistakes as far as the choices I’ve made regarding bringing you up this far. Except for this: I’ve swaddled you pretty much since you were born. It’s normal for younger babies, fresh out of the womb, to be swaddled because it gives them comfort and calms them down. You never grew out of that desire to be tightly wrapped up, so I never pushed you otherwise. That’s not saying that we haven’t tried; on many, many occasions I’d try to put you down without swaddling you (we used a piece of jersey fabric, reinforced with a bandana for the past year or so, since receiving blankets no longer fit around you), but your arms wouldn’t stop moving- you would lay there and nurse and nurse and flail and flail and you just couldn’t calm down. As soon as I wrapped you up (just your arms, not your legs), you’d be out- often without even needing to nurse again! So I went with it, even though I knew it wasn’t normal practice, even though it was embarrassing to admit or to let others see. I had your babysitters swaddle you for your naps before day care started. I never told your day care about the swaddling, because I didn’t want this to continue any longer. For the first week, the teacher had to walk you around and hold you until you fell asleep, I watched her on the webcam struggling with your 26-27 pounds and your flails, but eventually you’d pass out and she’d put you down on your cot and that’d be it.
It only took a week, Ash- and you were done with needing to be walked around to fall asleep and you were DONE with needing to be swaddled for naps and bedtime with us. PHEW!!!!!! We haven’t looked back, and I’ve even put away your swaddle blanket for safe keeping.
At the end of last month you could easily count to two, and at the end of this month you can count to eight perfectly… when you get to eight, you go back down to seven for some reason, but at least all of your numbers are there and in the right order- there’s no “1-2-5-6-4” here. I didn’t even know you COULD count until one morning when you said “one two” and then I said “two” and then you said “three” and then I repeated that number and then we followed that pattern until you reached “eight” and I hadn’t even ever heard you SAY the number eight before, but there it was- clear as day- right after seven. Your brains, kid, they never cease to amaze me. You pick up on things so amazingly fast.
You are learning new songs at school, you will say the missing words or letters that I leave out of the alphabet or books or songs when I say them to you. You’ve started saying “mmhmm!” and “okay” and you’re practicing with the way real sentences sound. You have a LOT of words, but your sentences are still fairly restricted to four or sometimes five words at once, so you’ll put a bunch of mumbled sounds before the real words so it resembles a full sentence but isn’t actually one. It’s pretty cute.
You’re still sleeping with us, and I have to admit that nursing and co-sleeping this long tend to be frowned upon by some people, but they’re two of my favorite things about being a parent. I find them especially important now that I’m working and I don’t see you as often. This is the first month that I’ve felt some pressure from people to get you off the boob (I know you’re cringing as an adult reading about BREASTFEEDING, OH MY GOD), but you’re not ready yet and neither am I. My goal has always been at least two years, and that’s still three months away. Anything more than that I’ll be happy with, but you’re not showing any signs of wanting to stop. Sleeping beside you, especially with your strong demands to “CUDDLE!” (as you say) is just wonderful. I know there will be some day that you will want to sleep in your own bed, in your own room, and I’m totally okay with that, but I will definitely miss you and so I cherish each night that you choose to stay beside me.
Night nursing has always been once every two hours, which a lot of moms raise their eyebrows at when I tell them while I’m working, but it’s never bothered me that much, and now that day care tires you out more than I was able to when I was home, there are some nights when you only wake once or twice! We are both getting a lot more uninterrupted sleep now, and I really appreciate that. So thanks.
On Mondays we go to the playground with friends of ours. You love going up the stairs and down the slides. This most recent Monday we met up with our friends Jessica (mom) and Frances (baby) and played for a while.
You found some buttercups and I asked if you wanted to give one to Frances. As we sat there in that grass I taught you about buttercups- that if you hold them up under someone’s chin, they shine yellow- which is supposed to mean that they like butter- the same way my mother taught me. It was an extremely special moment for me.
There’s nothing I wish for more than to be able to teach you EVERYTHING myself, every single day, but I’m happy that you’re thriving without me there all the time anyway. It does strike me as a bit odd when you come home singing a new song that I haven’t taught you, but I’m happy you’re learning that song whichever way. For now, we have buttercups together, even if you don’t remember that sunny June day where you first heard about their magic.
I know I say it every month, but you mean more to me than anything else in my entire life. Every day is the most amazing day until I go to sleep the next day and realize that THAT was the best day. You keep thing interesting and so full of love I sometimes can’t even believe it myself.
I love you so much.
Love,
Mama
Apr
9
Dear Ashden: Month Nineteen
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re 19 months old today! We’ve spent more time apart than ever before this month, but we’re managing and we’re actually doing okay.
I went back to work this month, something I hadn’t been planning on doing until I found a job that I knew I’d enjoy and so that I could eventually go on maternity leave. Originally your dad and I had decided that we were going to try to give you a brother or sister in the immediate future, but then we had a change of heart a couple of months later and so now, here we are, not in a rush for another baby and I’m still working and you’re still looking at daycare. I hope you don’t hate me.
The past couple of weeks you’ve been with friends of ours- other moms with babies that you know and like- and you’ve been having a great time. You’re falling asleep easily at nap time with stories or songs instead of nursing and have been entertaining yourself enough so that the moms aren’t ready to pull out their hair at the end of the day after having to take care of two young toddlers. There’s Laura, the mom of Georgia, and you get along better with them than you do with the other mom, Ute, and the daughter Sofia, who is a very headstrong (and physically strong) little girl who is suffering badly from the Single Child Syndrome (which you sometimes struggle with as well). You enjoy both girls, and even ask for them before I drop you off at their houses, which I take as a good sign. Both moms are glad that you take instruction well and have a lot of language skills to make things easier, because the other two children are either too young, or again, are too headstrong to really take direction well.
Speaking of your language skills, they’re exploding. This month you put two words together and then at the end of the month we’ve got three words together and the occasional four word sentence (though they’re rare right now). You know all of your colours- black, white, purple, blue, orange, yellow, pink, red, silver, and all of your shapes- square, circle, oval, triangle, rectangle, octagon, star and diamond. We’re starting to learn letters and I have taught you B, D, E, M, S, and now we’re working on A. Your father has been trying to teach you how to count for months, and now you’ll point at things for us to count, and will often say that you have “two” of something, even if you have more or less… but the concept is developing in your brain, so it’s been pretty neat to see. You’re making your dad proud by learning all the names of your dinky cars, and you know the following (and more, but I can’t remember them all, nor can I even name them when I see them): beetle, viper, convertible, hummer, mini, chevy, lambo and truck.
You’re a running dialog now, constantly blabbing about what you see, “big truck” “blue car” “running” “foot! Kick!” “singing” etc. It’s pretty much non-stop, especially if we’re in the car and you can see your favorite things (automobiles), because you let us know that you’re aware of every.damn.thing. by telling us so.
Five days out of every week I only see you for a little over an hour of the day, something that makes me cry if I think about it too much. The day-to-day stuff is much easier than I thought it would be- it was the anticipation that was killing me. One of the last days before I went to work, I took us to our favorite playground for an hour or so and a large army helicopter that flew overhead, and even though you love them, you got frightened and ran over to me and said, “mama!” and needed me to hold you as it passed. I cried so hard Ash, in the middle of that playground, because I knew I wouldn’t be there for you all the time when you needed me like I have been for your entire life. It goes beyond guilt, it’s something deeper and more innate. I am the one that should be there to help you through the tough times, not babysitters and definitely not a daycare where you’re one of ten toddlers. I know you’re happy and will continue to be happy, even when you’re in daycare, it’s just a weird thing to be away from your young child for so many hours each day.
You never fail to impress me- everything that you say and do is astounding to both your dad and I, and we just love you so much. I love learning more about your personality as you get older- especially now that you’re able to express yourself so much. I’m so sorry that I have to miss so much of your young life.
Thank you for being so happy to see me when I come to pick you up. Thank you for crawling up on the big bed and cuddling into me in the middle of the night. Thank you for not being mad or sad when I leave you in the mornings. Thank you for teaching me to be a more of a patient and loving person than I ever thought imaginable. Thank you for your blue eyes and soft pale skin and funny laugh and perfect teeth and your insane amount of beauty.
Love,
Mama
Mar
9
Dear Ashden: Month Eighteen
Filed Under Dear Ashden
Dear Ash,
You’re a year and a half old today! You are such a little boy, I would nearly say- outside of the occasionally gibberish- that you’re only 10% baby now. You’ve grown up so fast!!
We’ve had a very exciting breakthrough this month. We had two appointments booked at the allergy clinic for this week, two FOUR-HOUR long appointments that I was dreading since they were booked a couple of months ago because the allergy clinic is boring and there aren’t a lot of toys there and the thought of making you stay in one place and behaving for that entire time seemed like hell. on. earth, and I was willing to avoid it at all costs. You were supposed to go in for something called a “banana challenge,” where during the first appointment, you eat a banana in front of the doctors and they examine you shortly thereafter to see if there are any symptoms showing (usually you get congested within an hour or so of eating a banana). Then we go in the next day for four hours again and they examine you again.Instead of testing banana at the doctor’s office for the first time in nearly a year, I decided to try it at home first. I expected the worst, because it had only been a few months since your last exposure- and that was just through breastmilk- and you had a pretty severe reaction of congestion and eczema.
I waited. And waited. And nothing happened! You’re CURED! No eczema, no congestion, just pure, unadulterated love for banana. Now you can eat an entire banana within about sixty seconds, and constantly ask for “nana? Nana? Nananananananana?” You eat at least one a day now.
Then I wondered, if you’re not sensitive to banana anymore, what about oats? Oats used to give you pretty severe diarrhea, again, even if only exposed through milk, and so I ate a big bowl of oatmeal one night, and nothing happened to you! So, we tried it directly, and nothing happened. Glory! Even though you don’t eat much of it still, it means that I can enjoy date squares, most of my favorite cereals and apple crisp again. So, THANK YOU! I have missed oats a lot.
The big test was milk products. You have always had a really severe reaction to milk when it was given to you directly (luckily, not through my milk), diarrhea that would last three or four days, regardless of whether it was goat’s or cow’s milk. Even a small amount, and I mean really, really small, would mess with your digestive system. I bought some goat’s milk yogurt and gave you some and nothing happened AGAIN. I haven’t tried cow’s milk (and don’t really want to- goat’s milk is much easier to digest), but I have tried giving you cheese which you crinkle your nose up at and will not eat it.
This is so exciting for us. You can pretty much eat anything out there now, and that’s just wonderful.
One of your favorite things to do is colour with markers. You’ve progressed from chicken scratches to actual scribbles, and when we ask you to draw eyes/nose/arms/belly button/hat on things like snowmen, you try really hard- and almost always at least start in the right spot, even though you don’t know how to draw a hat properly.
You also like me drawing on your face- you go right to the mirror and laugh at yourself. And then spend the next couple of days drawing on your own face. And sometimes mine. Oh, how easily you learn.
You love cars. Cars, cars, cars, cars, trucks, trains, buses, cars. Sometimes I offer to read you a book, and you reject me (something that’s never happened before) and continue to play with your cars instead. Your favorite books are those that have to do with cars. This month you had a love affair with something you called a “school bus.” It was just a bus shade of yellow van, but you called it your “ku-ba” (not sure why you lost the ability to say “bus” considering you pronounce it perfectly when talking about real busses), and you brought that thing everywhere with you and would often be your first request after waking up from naps or in the morning. Ku-ba?? Ku-ba???????
There’s one thing for sure, you make us laugh every day.
Words are falling out of your mouth every second of every day, and you tend to repeat every last word of each sentence that I say. “Ash, do you want to read a book?” “Book?” “Let’s go for a walk.” “Walk.” And sometimes it’ll be a word in the middle of the sentence and won’t make any sense at all: “Ash, can you say goodnight to your bear?” “Your?”
You’re also starting to learn colours. At the end of this month, you know what yellow is. It’s touch and go with the other colours, but at least you know what I’m asking when I ask what colour something is, even if you just take a shot in the dark at what the right answer is. Yellow is pronounced, “wellow” in your world, with your tongue sticking right out of your mouth at the beginning of the word.
You still love spiders, that is until your uncle Jarrod pointed out a real one that was on our living room floor one day this month, and you squealed like a little girl and backed away and kept repeating “no no no? no. no. no.” I think the fear is subsiding a little now, and you still like to find spiders in books. I played a trick on you and told you that the little balls of thread that all over this house are spiders, so at least once a day you’ll find one, call it a spider and put it in my hand.
This was our last FULL month together, just you and I. Next month, at the beginning of April, I go to work full time. I cannot tell you what a whirlwind of emotion that decision was for me. I know you’re going to be just fine without me, especially surrounded by kids and different toys and lots of stimulation, but listen little man, I am going to miss you so much. Every time I really think about it, big fat tears well up in my eyes. I’m so afraid of the special little things that make you YOU will go unnoticed and unappreciated. I’ve loved every minute of the past eighteen months together (except when you were an exhausted and whiney bucket of complaints) and I cannot believe it’s coming to a close.
You make me feel alive. You make me smile more than I ever have in my life. My heart swells with love when I allow myself to sit back and just look at you playing around me. You make life worth living. You make your father and I so proud with your brains and your brawn. I’m surprised there is so much hatred in the world when something as simple as a child can bring so much joy into people’s lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of my joy.
Love,
Mama